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We need to be just as powerful [as the disease]. It takes partnership and communication between doctor and patient-rare commodities these days. Keeping a daily food journal that counts calories such as at www. It also provides a reference point for analyzing and measuring nutrition.
Abstain from Alcohol For many people with bipolar disorder, abstinence from alcohol is a necessity. Alcohol use and mood disorders go hand in hand. Mood swings can be accentuated through alcohol use. At times it can be difficult to untangle the strands of symptoms that may be due to substance abuse and those perceivable due to bipolar disorder.enter site
Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse, Part I: Blindsided
Find acceptable substitutes for alcohol towards a partial solution leading to recovery from bipolar disorder. While a mentally healthy individual may actually benefit physically from moderate use of alcohol, for those with an addictive personality, or who have been diagnosed with depression or bipolar disorder, abstinence from alcohol is a better choice. Quit Smoking Dr. It is an incredible killer, far worse than I was even taught in my medical training.
If heart disease kills on in every two men and women, then smoking accounts for approximately half of those deaths. Research strongly suggests that it is not a question of if, but when and how smoking will cause death or disability. After the staggering risk of cardiovascular disease, cancers linked to or caused by smoking now number in the double digits. Finally, emphysema is a terrible disease- a progressive inability to breathe as the lungs are slowly destroyed from within.
Of all the quitting methods-hypnosis, drugs, acupuncture-there is one method shown to be one hundred times more effective. Smoking can constrict the blood vessels in the brain; this can be a contributing factor in mental health issues for some individuals. Therapeutic Self-Help for Bipolar Disorder 5. Create and Contemplate Art The peace and solitude of creating artwork can help you develop self-control. It can also help stop racing thoughts, commonly associated with manic episodes. One person suffering with mental health problems described it as like someone wringing out your brain i.
When you have bipolar disorder, your moods fluctuate between ecstatic highs and plunging lows, either over longer periods of time or more rapidly. Your moods need to stabilize, and your mind needs to quiet down. The constant stimulation that the mind may receive from the media i. Art is a natural mood stabilizer. It has an added advantage of being, generally, side-effect free. Moreover, those with anorexia and bulimia can benefit from creating art.
It fills the void for visual stimulation, and it produces peaceful, soothing images in your mind. Read the newspaper and news magazines for the news The news can be depressing for many, as well as violent. It can accentuate feelings of trepidation and isolation. Reading to keep up with world events is not only gentler on the mind; it can strengthen brain activity, comprehension, reading skills, and memory. Be selective and mix reading about distressing events never a shortage news media with positive reading material.
TV is not a necessity, but it is a 20th and 21st century luxury that you can learn to do without. For some, it can make a big difference towards good mental health. This can help you to organize your thoughts and clear you mind. Some find if helpful to write in their journal before going to bed as an aid to better sleep.
Keeping a daily journal helps circumvent and control racing thoughts, a symptom identified with bipolar disorder. It can also help you find an emotional outlet, to decode events of the day, and interpret personal interactions and relationships. Identifying triggers is a first step towards gaining control and relapse prevention. Write for Self Expression as a Stabilizing Therapy Clinical studies indicate that when those with depression engage in expressive writing it forces them to identify and focus on the source of their emotional troubles, which results in a shorter recovery period; the same can be said for bipolar disorder.
Writing can be positive for those with bipolar disorder because it helps you to gain insight into your thoughts, behaviors, triggers, and emotions. It can result in stress relief and help you organize your thoughts. Writing in a journal provides opportunity for self-analysis, to capsulize your own small victories as well as your mistakes, and make positive, deliberate choices in the future. Writing has proven to be an effective therapeutic self-help technique, and an catharsis on numerous levels for many. Liz Miller who documents her success in full recovery from bipolar disorder medicine free for 15 years , attributes her recovery, in part, especially in the beginning stages of her self-help mission, to extensive self-directed writing therapy, for all of the reasons mentioned above.
For some, poetry can be a healthy form of creative expression, that has cathartic, healing mental results. Reading and writing haiku poems can be especially helpful for those with bipolar disorder, as the poems are very compact in a nature, and force the mind to visualize, as well as to exercise restraint. Reading and writing haiku poems is an excellent mental self-control exercise, and helpful for bipolar disorder.
See author Sherry Reiter , PhD's page on this site. Her book Writing Away the Demons: Coping with Depression, is one among several excellent books on the subject of writing therapy. The book is based on Reiter's personal experience in experiencing relief through writing. Reiter is a Registered Poetry Therapist. Commit to periods of daily relaxation. Experiment until you find the relaxation technique that is right for you. You should schedule at least 20 minutes a day to wind down, and actively reflect on your life i. Unplug- Movies , Video Games , Television Unplugging the TV, as well as reducing the number of movies you watch and time spent playing video games can help symptoms of depression and bipolar disorder.
If we want to talk about unhealthy ways to stimulate the mind, we can start with these three things overstimulation from movies, video games and TV. It is also important not to forget about the effects of the Internet, depending on how we use it. TV programs with commercials are generally very fast-paced.
Movies and music can affect emotions, stimulating emotional highs and lows. Video games can have a similar effect. Furthermore, movies are can be powerful tools of emotional stimulus, but the film-aficianado is a passive participant, and, like a drug, when the movie is over, the virtual stimulus is over, potentially leaving an emotional void. Films can take the mind through emotional highs and lows. Similarly, the Internet can become both a preoccupation and addiction, and contributes to an addictive type of personality in some.
Those with compulsive or addictive personalities may do better without continuous access to the Internet. For those who are addicted to the Internet in a damaging way, or those who become addicted to Internet pornography, it may be best to use the Internet at the local library. Using the Internet away from home may prevent the Internet addict from becoming consumed with the Internet. Children and teens need to have limits at home and at school, and also need to be educate in using the Internet in healthy ways, while avoiding the potential danger zones.
If you overindulge in violent entertainment, for those who experience symptoms of bipolar disorder, it may be contributing to the mood roller coaster ride. Media overload excites the mind, pushing it beyond limits, and mind may have a hard time turning off. This can especially be true of young children, teens and young adults. These positive ways to spend time can contribute to a better mental health profile, one that is not in constant response-mood to artificial stimuli.
Avoid Pornography and its Effects Avoid pornography and break free from pornography addiction. Pornography can contribute to depression and mania, the two hallmarks of bipolar disorder. While some psychologists have condoned pornography as a healthy outlet for sexual desires, it has been noted that addiction to pornography can be as strong as that or illegal drugs, which can ultimately lead to depression. Additionally, for some, pornography addiction and other forms of over-indulgence in sex, or hypersexuality, may be a contributing factor for symptoms of bipolar disorder, or part of a vicious cycle that leads to mood swings, erratic behavior or even self-loathing.
Pornography can destabilize and isolate those who become addicted. Pornography has become infinitely more accessible to adolescents through the Internet. See: Pornography - Is It harmful? Love is one of the greatest single factor in maintaining good mental health; pornography has been described as being "anti-love. It also depicts and teaches an unbalanced view of sex — with others as mere sex-objects. This way of thinking can harm real-life relationships. Learning to avoid pornography and finding positive outlets to occupy free time can be of value in overcoming the symptoms of bipolar disorder.
Music and Bipolar Disorder It can lift our mood, excite our mind, and propel us to action. It can also inspire us or depress us. Listening to music directly affects the dopamine levels in our brains. Music is used for therapy for those with bipolar disorder on a professional level. It can also be used as a self-help therapy. Two things need to be considered when listening to music as a way to promote peace and tranquility.
The amount of time we spend listening to music, and 2. The type and intensity of the music we listen to Because bipolar disorder is a mood disorder, and music affects moods, if we are struggling with a mood imbalance, too high or too low, to the point that psychiatric intervention is needed, we need to carefully consider the amount of time we spend listening to music. For some teens, one hour to 12 hours a day listening to music is not uncommon. Listening to too much popular music is linked to a higher rate of clinical depression in teenagers. This may be the case for some adults, as well.
In addition, taking anti-depressants can lead to manic-like symptoms for some, and can even be a contributing factor towards an eventual bipolar diagnosis, especially if core issues are not addressed during the interim. For those with bipolar disorder, or with symptoms of bipolar disorder, music should be enjoyed moderately, in measured doses. Avoid overindulging in music. Even classical music can have a profound affect on your moods.
It was more difficult to overindulge in music during prior centuries. In fact, David Byrne of the Talking Heads notes that music has never been as accessible as it now. In the past you had to play an instrument, listen to a family member play, or attend an event to listen to music. Today, music is available literally hours a day in various formats.
The mind simply was not meant to assimilate so much mood-affecting information, with, what is often, highly emotional music playing in our brains on such a continuous basis. Moderation and self-regulation are necessary. The type of music we regularly listen to also is an important element to consider.
Music can be joyful or angry, happy or hateful. It does affect both our emotions and our ways of thinking. Choose music that is positive; be careful not to over-stimulate your brain with too much high-intensity music. Perhaps tone down the type of music you listen to one of a less-intense level.
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Listen to different genres of music, some with a more-relaxed pace. Give your mind long intervals to rest—days of silence, rather than constant stimulation. Healthy choices in music is one of the keys to greater stability, and a greater balance in moods can be achieved for many with bipolar disorder by giving attention to this modifiable aspect of life. While this is especially true for children and teenagers, it is also true for many adults.
In another slant on music, learning to play a musical instrument strengthens your mind, and helps you to build self-esteem. It fills vacant or passive hours with a positive activity. Playing a musical instrument may be linked to positive emotional-social well-being. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, support group or counselor can make you feel better. Spending time with positive, loving people you care about and trust can ease stress and improve your mood.
We need association, encouragement, rub shoulders with, and bounce ideas off of. We need companionship. Developing positive friendships is beneficial for our mental health and well-being. Improve your mental health by cultivating and maintaining positive relationships with others, spending time with family, developing friendships, and doing things for other people. Strive for a Peaceful Family Life Maintaining a peaceful and stable family life is also important for good mental health. Giving and forgiving are two key elements in maintaining healthy family relationships.
Family therapy is helpful adjunctive therapy for those who have one member suffering with a mental health disorder. For bipolar disorder, studies indicate that family therapy contributes to a more-rapid recovery rate than any other form of psychotherapy. Consider Your Choice in Work Your choice in work can make a difference in your mental health. For some, work that involves using your hands i. The mental and visual challenge of creating something is fulfilling, and may function as an outlet for creativity that is conducive to positive, stable, and balanced thought patterns.
If diagnosed with a mental health disorder, do everything in your power to continue working, to remain in the workforce. Keeping productive, and remaining self-sufficient helps fill life with a sense of purpose and self-esteem. Part-time or volunteer work may be a good option. Anger Management In John McMan's Depression and Bipolar Web, he elaborates on the point of anger and how it can be a part of the bipolar disorder symptom profile, and along with that thought, the need to take steps to manage and control anger.
Anger is an adaptive response to threat, arousing powerful aggressive feelings and behaviors…the excess adrenaline and cortisol set off a cascade of destructive cellular reactions that result in the brain being unable to cope. While anger is not part of the core symptoms of bipolar disorder in the DSM-IV or DSM-V, the closely related symptom of "irritability" is; what is more, most psychiatrists and psychologists link anger to a bipolar disorder diagnosis.
Anger can range from mild irritability to rage. To help control anger, the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance recommends learning to recognize triggers to anger; plan for these situations so that you can better control your reaction; if necessary and to the extent reasonably possible, avoid situations that lead to anger.
Additionally, it encourages, "identifying specific [positive and balancing] things you say to yourself, [as well as] physical relaxation [i. Develop Balanced Self-Esteem A first person account considering bipolar disorder describes the potential link between low self-esteem and bipolar disorder, and the value of maintaining a balanced view of oneself. Michael, who works full-time in law enforcement, deals with bipolar disorder, which he describes in terms primarily of depression, as well as insecurity, and a lack of self confidence.
He states, "I have learned not to be too hard on myself. I have learned to be aware of my mood changes, warning signs and respond appropriately before I cause further damage. The self-esteem course was one of the biggest changes in my life. In the context of bipolar disorder, it is easy to see that going to extremes in self-esteem can be part of the symptom profile of a bipolar diagnosis.
The key is to be tolerant of our own and others weaknesses and imperfections, and at the same time maintain a balanced view of ourselves, without hyperinflating our egos. Balance is the key. Being tolerant of our weaknesses and imperfections doesn't mean we need to be complacent, we can continually strive for bettering ourselves, but it means we don't whip ourselves for our perceived failures in the meantime.
By leading an active rather than passive lifestyle, engaging in productive activities whether it be taking a college course and attaining a degree, developing a new skill such as art or music, learning a new language, becoming a public speaker, losing weight, or creating a successful blog, bettering ourselves, becoming successful in some sphere of life, and developing our skills contributes to healthy self-esteem. Balanced self-esteem is stabilizing and helps us to avoid self-flagellating ourselves; it is balancing and takes the some of the edge off the emotional highs and lows of what is interpreted as bipolar disorder.
Be Honest Honesty contributes to better mental health. Lying solves one problem only to create two or three others. Learn to be honest rather than lie as a way of life. Being honest contributes to self-esteem. Lying can make you feel like you are living life on the run, that no one understands you, and can isolate you in your own little world. Lies are like spilling oil on the kitchen floor, they may be hard to see, but easy to slip on—it creates a mental battle to remember our lies or deceit, necessitating other lies to maintain the original lie.
Lying is ultimately destabilizing. Honesty, by contrast, leads to better relationships, and in addition to greater self-respect, honesty leads to others respecting you as well. Practical Strategies for Overcoming Bipolar Disorder Develop Balance, an Essential Element of Recovery from Bipolar Disorder Try to find balance between work, spirituality, family life, and recreation. We all have limits, and we have to learn to live within those parameters.
Being reasonable with ourselves can help us avoid the extremes of mania. It is common to take on too many responsibilities, leaving you scrambling for time and frantically endeavoring to keep up with unrealistic commitments. Sometimes this can be a way of attempting to overcompensate for previous or current perceived failings. Keep a balanced, slow, but steady pace rather than trying to do everything idea, albeit good, that comes into your mind.
Financial Stability and Debts Owing money that you cannot or will not pay back can be destabilizing and also demoralizing. For some mounting or seemingly insurmountable debt contributes to depression and even suicide. Debt can also lead to unrealistic or impractical ways to dig oneself out of debt, perhaps in a frantic or manic pursuit. In getting a handle on debt, balance and responsibility, slow and deliberate, rather than frantic pursuit, is more practical and productive. Try to get a handle on your finances in a balanced and rational manner.
Seek out practical assistance if possible. Getting out of debt is easier said than done, but steps in that direction promotes stability. Getting rid of credit cards can help be one positive step towards controlling unregulated overspending binges, which can be typical for some people with bipolar disorder. Being employed in itself is stabilizing, and structure is an important stabilizing element for anyone struggling with bipolar disorder. Be deliberate in your choices and decisions for employment.
Write down your ideas, and go over them with someone that you respect before taking action, if you are in need of employment, or feel it is necessary to seek different employment. In addition, hiring a life-coach may be a good investment for those who can afford it. A life coach provides practical assistance in many aspects of life and can help keep you on track as you work towards goals.
Additionally, a coach that specializes in bipolar disorder not as easy to find as ADHD coaches , can provide needed stabilizing and practical support. Try to stay away from unproven fringe medical solutions and focus on practical, realistic steps towards recovery. Numerous small steps may prove to be more productive than one gigantic leap, or pursuing unrealistic cures. Your item has been added to Shortlist.
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He overextends him self financially. Uses his charm and self pity to gain empathy from people to loan him money. My point is. It was all about him. His needs. His desires. The thrill of the chase for him. I would ask him if all our years of friendship meant anything. If all the talk of marriage and a future meant anything. Ask if any of it was real. Today, I am discovering it was all about him boosting his self esteem by getting someone to want him. Once that goal was accomplished, he would move on to the next person.
What I thought was real from a man I knew for half my life, became nothing but a broken fantasy that nearly destroyed every peice of who I was. I thought I had found the love of my life in my best friend. I was completely wrong and that hurt worse than the divorce with my ex husband. Bottom line, I am aware now what type of relationship we really had.
I am aware I was only a toy for him. He is an almost 40 year old man that refuses to commit. He refuses to go to counseling, even if it means bettering himself for his own children. He is so self indulged and addicted to the other women that he is capable of getting with his extreme charm. He is a highly intelligent man.
But refuses to acknowledge he could be an extreme narcissist. His world is about what brings him instant gratification. Nothing else. Janelle you got one thing wrong you ARE as special as he made you think , actually more so! Narcs pick intelligent , beautiful, sincere, forgiving AMAZING people so they can live out a dream of being someone as amazing s you are. I have a question , 12plus year partnership , 3 babies , sacrificed jo history, money, independence. I can for sure pay back a loan with his child support easily , he jus moved me to BFE 3 months ago and took of his mask, I just found a handgun under his mattress.
My kids are 6, 5 and 1 , what can I do. Tired of trying not do drown in this depression and grief everyday. Still in shock. Please help me and my kids help ourselves go. Thank you so much for you wisdom and this site!! More people need to be aware of the pathological reasons behind these actions!! Her ex husband is successful motormouth narcissist and I just realized this from a youtube on Trump as a narcissist.
I came across some information because we are getting a divorce and I was writing everything up in order to make sense of it. I had a question about narcissus and read a blog article and then a comment, which had golden child and scapegoat in it. I figured I needed to refine my search, because she is not even close to being a narcissist, per my understanding. Somehow I found an article on covert narcissists and awoke to the facts.
I really appreciate everyone writing about this and sharing. You are most welcome, Janelle…I am happy to provide some information on a subject that few know about. Knowledge is power, freedom, and safety!!! Janelle- these words you wrote: …. Another thing I noticed in discussion when I said to him you were my man, i. I was then immediately put on edge and had to pacify him saying no I dont mean it like ownership but loving, its a good thing. No, I was wrong. I think the main issue is there is a fundamental lack of empathy and without that there is a lack of core bonding.
And where they feel no pain for hurting you or considering your feelings there is nothing stopping them hurting you, because they simply dont feel it, or realise it, such is the emotional deadness and emotional immaturity. The more knowledge i gain about this disorder, the more I become shocked how many people go thru this type of abuse. They only pretend to be remorseful. I always was walking on eggshells talking to him at the end. He always made me fell bad for my hurt. He even told me several times that my pain was my own fault for sticking around.
I know about his exes and what happened. I even have spoken to one of them. Funny thing is he knows he needs help. But refuses to go. So i become less hurt each day for me, and more sad for the current woman and his children. They have no idea what is in store for them. The thing we have to remember is that we were not the ones that lied or manipulated.
They can see injustice done to other people, and can sometimes see the injustice they cause to other people, but instead of correcting their mistakes and making themselves a better person, they just move on to the next victim. Their hope is someone will accept them for who they are…no matter how awful they treat people. They see their behavior traits wrong in other people, but not in themselves. Those of us with a conscience learn from our mistakes.
Because then they would actually have to feel the Rath of guilt. So what. Only his. Janelle So well stated. I totally deal with these exact issues daily! And the lack of empathy is unbelievable! It has given me the ability to know that he is not going to change and we have to get away ASAP! Thank you for your comments! So married for27 years to a very controlling Man that liked everything his way and if you questioned him about his choices he would get furious. We got in debt and he ignored that and used that as an excuse to make me look crazy to his family.
After 5 surgeries for breast cancer that was the beginners my of the end. He was a salesman on the road 2 weeks out of the month and by now he started getting on laptop late at night and texting a lot. That started setting up a red flag for me.
He left me after Christmas for a woman he met in another state on a porn site A month after our divorce he moved her her and her kids in behind me and loves to keep things stirred up with my daughter. I know he still lies about his self worth and how wonderful he is. Great post! Thank you! Ultimately though, one has to make oneself the focus, to discover what made us vulnerable to such abuse in the first place.
Still, the information is very relevant and useful and can be applied to ones personal situation without paying much attention to the statistics. Thanks again for this post! This is a very good analysis. I have a financial advisor friend who I trusted with my family but after some time getting to see how they behaved, I grew to recognise the signs of narcissism behind their kindly mask. Red flags were evident very early on as i got to know them but I fell for the trap and in someways still feel trapped. It is very hard to get this person out of my head although I feel heartbroken by their deception and see it for what it is.
The hardest thing is realizing they will never change. Janelle, you sound really empowered and right on…keep on learning about this disorder…and you now have the tools to stay away from such disordered folks…you sound very clear about what direction to take in your healing…sounds like great perspective…. Although I did find your article accurate, you cannot possibly imagine what it is like to be in a relationship, or have a child with a malignant narcissist.
As a therapist myself, I can honestly say that watching someone else go through it is nothing in comparison to living it. TwistedX—never make assumptions…sometimes the best therapists have had their own prior life experience with such topics they now help people heal through ;. I am just coming out of a relationship with a man who I suspect has borderline personality disorder or strong traits, rather than narcissistic personality disorder. This devaluing and being discarded after being idealized really speaks to my experience especially.
In my case, the trigger for his rage and pathological lying would often be me pulling away or being assertive, even though he had already broken up with me quite definitively. The last ploy used to get my attention, post breakup, was to tell me his mother died.
Anyway, I digress. Is no contact the best approach in that circumstance also? Insights greatly appreciated. And thanks again Andrea for a great article that has started to help me make sense of this experience and the real nature of the losses I am grieving.
Good article. I think the only weakness is that it sets the bar rather high to make a determination that a partner is narcissistic. As a therapist and as the son of a pathological narcissist, I can attest to the fact that they can function quite well and carry on in society without undue notice for years. You may never know you are around one until you begin to stand up to them- this they take great exception to and you may rapidly become secondary supply at best.
Really hard stuff to deal with. Once this happens, I too agree the only way to be safe is to stay away. The accuracy of this article is almost frightening, it perfectly describes the relationship I just got out of. Stephanie…thanks for your feedback…what I would say is keep reading up on narcissistic abuse…see the list of resources at the end of the article and read, read, read. Information is power. In dating relationships, beware of the individual who swoops in and promises you the moon and back again, proposing to you in 2 days…a healthy relationship gradually builds, with mutual respect and empathy and self-disclosure.
If you have already been entangled in a relationship with a narcissistic type person, then the best policy is absolutely No Contact…unless you share children, in which case you legally might have to do Limited Contact…I would highly encourage you to seek a psychotherapist who can provide you support in recovery from narcissistic abuse, and to also join an online support forum like Lisa E. When I read this i think these are many of the qualities of my ex, but then, when i left him he told me i was a narcissist, and i have been so confused as to which one of us is the narcissist!
Sally—the fact you have the capability to reflect is really a good sign of insight…which many narcissists are sorely lacking…I would recommend, as with anyone who is pulling through an abusive relationship, that they seek psychotherapy with a highly skilled psychotherapist who can provide a detailed, comprehensive assessment and work with you to answer your questions. Very often codependents fall in love with a narcissist — they may have had a narcissistic parent, also, so the connection feels familiar. These abusive relationships further undermine the codependents little self-esteem.
Underneath both suffer from shame. My jaw dropped the first time I read your writing on this subject which was a couple of weeks ago. I have printed out both articles and read them daily to remind myself to avoid ever dating another man with this affliction as well as sent copies to all my single girlfriends. It was so easy to get swept away in all the drama, the ups and downs, highs and lows with the narcissist, but now know what an incredible sham the whole thing was. You truly could not have described in more accurate detail what I went through. My mother is without a doubt a narcissist, and I have dealt with treating my co-depency all my life.
Now at 59, the puzzle is finally coming together! The impact of my relationship with my partner led me to almost commit suicide. But she had to tell me how great this new man was, how intelligent and talented, how they are going to keep his apartment in the city and his country property, how he has motorbikes etc.
For anyone who is in a relationship with a person with strong narcissistic traits I warn you to be careful. I was never good enough and got to the most tragic point. Thank God for my children who saved me from doing it. Trying to stay Near Positive People.. One Day at a Time. One Day at a Time.. I truly wish more was written and openly discussd about this type of abuse.
I am grateful to this author for helping to increase awareness of something that has the very real potential to completely destroy lives. Before March of this year, I did not know that this type of abuse had a name. If someone would have asked me if I had heard of Narcissistic Abuse, I would have simply equated it with abuse by a Narcissistic person and that is very misleading. After enduring the most horrific emotional abuse I have ever experienced at the hands of a psychologist I had taken my two small children to for counseling, I endured even more trauma in the aftermath trying to understand what actually happened in the abusive relationship.
Narcissistic Abusers are quite skilled at leaving the victim with all of the guilt and blame for the abuse. After I refused to see this therapist any longer, I spent 9 months trying to understand if he was trying to help me like he insisted or literally trying to kill me. That made it even harder to heal from the abuse.
I spent every waking minute thinking about what happened searchign for somehting I had missed that could make all if make sense. They are still searching for answers and carrying the guilt and blame with them for not having done enough to prevent the destruction of the relationship. Glad the article was of help and put a name to very covert, insidious abuse. It is not discussed often because many do not understand it.
However, with more awareness, more people are armed with information and can protect themselves from dangerous relationships. I have read so many of these websites, desperately trying to find words that will bring me peace or closure or…something to just stop it hurting. I was the love of his life, but I abandoned him so what was he supposed to do when this girl came and saved him where I had dropped him.
Feelings of guilt transferred to me…I am so terribly insecure now, after being so independent and strong growing up! How do I get back to normal?
How do I leave him behind where he belongs and stop shedding a single tear for him? I wish there was a quick fix button…. I have a friend who has been married 20 years to a very successful physician. Here are some details of her relationship with him:. Her father is a physician as well. Her parents were very strict and controlling, enforced with verbal and physical abuse on occasion, forbidding her to go out with friends, while driving her to do well in school and other activities.
When she met her future husband, they had both been recently divorced. She was about to go away for a few months for a nursing job, when he literally swept her off her feet and took her to Las Vegas to be married before she left to go on this job. After they were married, she quit the job rather than going away. She was filled with great admiration and love for him for roughly the first half of their marriage. She thought of him glowingly as her rock, white knight and the love of her life. She did everything and anything he wanted her to do. She changed who she was to be who he wanted her to be.
Instead she focused on being the best home-maker she could be. She loved to cook and perfected meals. She kept the house very clean all the time. She did everything for their two boys. She was always very driven, so that was how she used her energy. He always had the last word on any subject related to them and their family.
She spoke that often their was fear- both from her and her sons- shortly he would come home from work that everything was not done- dinner, clean house, etc. Her boys would express this as well and tell her to hurry and get things done or Dad would be angry. Roughly 10 years ago, she had the first desire to divorce him. She was upset when he flirted with other women at parties.
It was also around this time that he no longer satisfied her sexually. Still, she went on as before, but now more unhappily, mostly for the sake of their boys. A little over a year ago, she found out he was having an affair. This was devastating to her on so many levels. Apparently he had known the woman for 6 years. She felt she had lost her best friend, husband, her rock, her everything in one blow. It challenged everything she thought about love, marriage, everything. In the months after the discovery, she would often go stay in a hotel by herself with a candle and drink by herself rather than be in the house with him.
She stopped having sex with him. Since she discovered his infidelity, he has become increasingly hostile toward her verbally. They have been in counseling for over a year now. She is increasingly stressed and unhappy with her marriage and does not want to spend any time with him because it is so unpleasant.
It is this last point that is most concerning to me. My thought is that the counselor has not identified the husband as a narcissist, otherwise he would not be trying to preserve the marriage through counseling. Jade— I would suggest seeing a psychotherapist who specializes in this area as well as joining the aforementioned support forums online— with time, you will recover and move on to love someone who loves you back in a healthy way… Jay— sounds like you have a lot of concern for your friend…have you addressed your worries with her directly?
If she and her significant other are in couples therapy, then it sounds like they are working on their issues… You can always share this article with her and see what she has to say…obviously, this is not a forum to actually diagnose people…she is lucky he has such a caring and concerned friend looking out for her interests…. Andrea- thank you for the feedback and advice. I met her the other day and asked her if she thought her husband was a narcissist.
This did not surprise me entirely, and yet she seems stuck in what to do. She does not see an immediate need to end the relationship, primarily for the sake of her 14 and 16 year old sons it seems. Anyway, it appears his relationship with the other woman may have ended against his will, so now he seems more focused in a bi-polar way on her again. Their couple counseling is on an individual basis she ended the couple sessions after he repeatedly lied to the counselor. Very sad and troubling situation. And yet the counselor is trying to preserve their marriage.
Apparently she asked him for a separation a year ago, but he refused, and he said he will not divorce her either. She has said that if he asked, she would divorce him, but she is afraid of her kids reaction if she were to ask for a divorce. Jay— again, your friend is very fortunate to have your support…all you can do is continue to be a reality-tester and help her to know of resources that might assist her see bibliography — she may need a different therapist who understands narcissism more completely — it is, ultimately, your friends choice how she proceeds with her life…but, armed with information, hopefully she will choose her own self-preservation and mental health— a happy mom is a happy family, whether or not there are two parents in the picture…best wishes!
Andrea- Thanks again for your feedback. I think I have done what I can while at the same time trying to respect her privacy and independence. I get the feeling she knows what she wants to do, but is preparing for the right time for her. Thanks again. Jay- yes, it sure does sound like you have done everything you can to support your friend. Sounds like she has a good-sounding board in you.
I would focus on your own self-care and release the issue at this time. Best wishes in your journey, Andrea. This is so classic — frightening really because I can identify so strongly. I have been in a relationship much like this for 5 years. I even went to counseling and they never saw it which made me feel even more isolated and confused. Worse yet, we spend endless hours trying to figure out what we did wrong. We were not married and have no children together, thank goodness. I gave up my job to work with him, gave away most of my belongs my bad decisions and gave it my all in the relationship.
He was very charismatic in the beginning but soon I realized he was shallow and unfeeling towards other people pain. Him and I bought a house together which is down the street from my daughter and her family. When I left, I also signed this house over to him because I did not want any ties.
The narc hated my son in law and never had anything nice to say about him. Now the narc and my son in law are best friends, but I know my son in law needs the money his is making off of him at this moment. He thinks he has the narc under control…. I know he is wrong and the hatchet will fall with him as soon as the narc no longer needs him. We live in small community and the narc decided to remodel this house the one we bought together on a grand scale and so it is being noticed by everyone in this community.
Originally he was going to sell it and I was all for that, just to get him away from me and family. But now it seems he wants to keep rubbing my nose in it for breaking it off with him. He is even trying to get his family to move here???? He is taking my family to nice places to eat and giving them money which they need but it is making me feel sick to my stomach. My son and his family has broken ties with him but my son in law has not. When I broke it off with the narc, I did the no contact rule, went back to work and even starting taking some college classes. I have accepted that he is a narc and uses people, is shallow and hurts people without a conscious.
I have always been a forgiving person and I want to move on without his baggage cluttering my life. I do not want to move from this area, my family lives here, children and grandchildren,they are my family and not his, although he has a strained relationship with his kids and almost no contact with his grandchildren.
The narc always told me how wonderful my kids and grandkids were, and how they always treated him with respect. I tried to raise my children to treat others the same way they treat themselves, with dignity and respect. My children are raising their children the same way. But I am at my wits ends on how to get him to move on. I have also been told he bad mouths every chance he gets.
Any advice would be appreciated on how to handle this. I am adding to my original comment, I almost feel like I am venting. Before I met the narc, I had been divorced for almost 10 years and had dated some but had not found someone I wanted to have a long term relationship with. I had a job with people I liked, a decent place to live, was close to my family, had close friends and volunteered to help our troops.
My life was good by my standards. The narc swept me off my feet; I thought he was the one. He put me on a pedestal and would call and text me. We talked of building a future together so when he suggested I quit my job and work together we are flood adjusters it seemed like the right thing to do. We would save our money and buy a place together and grow old together. I gave up my place and gave away most of my material things; I thought I was doing the right thing.
He admired how I was so close to my children and grandchildren as he was not close to his. It was slow but soon I was realized I had not seen my friends or volunteered anymore. And everything I did, wore or said was wrong, He would say mean things and hurt my feelings, but when I would say something about it, he would say I was wrong and he did not say or do those things. I started recording some of our conversations and would play them back just to check my own memory. I really thought I was losing my mind. I was right, he was saying and doing mean things.
I thought maybe his mind was not clear because he would drink almost daily and usually too much. A few months ago, he told me that he did not trust me and doubted I loved him. It was like a light bulb went off, that was way our relationship was not in good shape. He also told me that when we met I did not have a place to live, a job, furniture or clothes. He said everything I have is because he gave it to me.
He also told me that I was a drunk? I left, I signed the house we bought together over to him and did the no contact rule. I just wanted him out of my life. I almost feel he wanted my life, he wanted to be me. I have always prided myself on being close to my family, friends and community. My family has told me I have been a great mom and nana, and they want me in their lives forever but their relationship with the narc is optional and right now they need his money the money I helped to put in our account that he withdrew down to the last penny when I told him it was over.
I just want my life back free from his drama and bad mouthing of me and others including my kids who he adores now. I have at times thought about calling him and telling him what I think of him. I would like tell him to move on and get out of our lives, but I know that will only fuel his feelings that he is special. I do not feel I should have to move away from my family, friends and community, they were mine long before they were his now I sound narcissistic. Even my kids have told me it like he wants to torture me for breaking it off.
I believe they are now his narc supply and he will hurt them like he did me but they need the money right now. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I just want him gone out of my life, any suggestions would be appreciated. Leslie, many colleges have counseling services that are available at low or no cost to current students. Check with your university health service. There are therapists who do low or no cost counseling, too.
I am trying to recover from a relationship in which I believe my ex is a narcissist. There were lots of red flags at the beginning e. But after a space of a week, he came back and we basically continued as normal. Over a period of time I began to live in a state of uncertainty, confusion and what I find most deplorable, is he made me question my own judgment.
I could have written your piece, nearly word for word. So grateful he did. Just dealing with the fall out of crazy making. It gets better! Helps to remind ourselves to quit thinking healthy responses can come from an unhealthy mind. I found myself baffled with his bizarre thinking. But getting out meant I could live again. Life is good. Andrea, thank you for writing this article. I will be sharing it with clients for sure. I jumped off with a whole lot of injuries, but I still am walking away, healing as I go.
You can and will too. Only you can decide when Enough is Enough.
After awhile…well, one day, you just jump off. I have read so much trying to make sense of what has happened to me. Your description is by far the best I have seen yet. It is so hard to have lived thru something that i thought i would never live thru only to come out into a world that I have no idea how to relate to anymore.
It is truly like learning to live again. I am out but I still feel crazy and find myself most comfortable when I am alone. I think it is because I have become so accustomed to the feeling. Anyway I usually just read the stories but I had to respond to your perfect description of the hell they so perfectly manipulate u into willingly putting yourself into. I really appreciated this article. I feel so empowered and could relate to many of the comments. Where is part two??? Will he ever come out of this disaster.
He hated her an seen her nasty ways before the brainwashing began. He is now 18 graduating in 6 months and hoping to join the military. NM started this when she found out he told the law about sisters abuse. Should I just let go…. How can I actually find a therapist trained in treating the victims of narcissistic abuse? Hi Toni, Thanks for your question. If you use the Advanced Search function on GoodTherapy. After selecting a therapist or several to email, you may want to specify that you are looking for some help in recovery from narcissistic abuse.
The vast majority who specialize in abuse or relationship problems will have experience and expertise with concerns about narcissism. His personality traits include but not limited to — self critical about weight, getting older, name dropping, always talking about his past achievements, loved to get new things all the time, he helped me get my first car and credit card, he was often critical of celebrities but always loved the lifestyle of the rich and famous, he would always compare himself to his sibling who made great money.
After the break up, he treated me cold. The one thing that still holds me to believe he had some sort of heart was how big of a mess he was breaking up with me, he was sobbing, and kept apologizing and said he still loved me. It was a big cluster fuck of emotions. In hindsight, he had left what he claimed to be his best friend since high school to start a relationship with me. According to him, his best friend had been in love with him a long time and was jealous of him dating me. Put on your Nike sneakers and run! If he was right for you you never would have to ask that question.
Wow, I think that is one of the best answers I have seen on one of these sites. You nailed it! We get very hung up on a diagnosis, and it makes sense that we do. So, my point is this, sometimes we just want an answer! And sometimes we see and learn that we too are sick in ways, and that these unhealed things are what the Narc would use. These are OUR points of progress we can come away with, though, that we can take the stuff in ourselves that the Narc pointed to and face it, own it, and heal it. And we need to heal our selves, our hearts. We do not have to be broken, but can have ourselves been broken open.
Thank you for your very simple answer, and for reading my long-winded reply. I have just got out of a relationship with a person who has all the characteristics. I feel hurt, angry and empty. I tried so hard and it was draining. I met this girl about 6 years ago and liked her. About a year ago she got fired from her job. So I called her and we started seeing each other.